Staff Regulations

SICKDAYS: We will no longer accept a Doctors sick note as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to your Doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your Organs. You should not consider having anything removed.We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS: Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

PREGNANCY: In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

BEREAVEMENT: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 08.00 to 08.20.Employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 08.20to 08.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes round again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, accusations, contemplations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day!
The Management